The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Bring me that man meat
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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