i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
