I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
