I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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