I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
