you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
