I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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