I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
