I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
