So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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