I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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