Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
