I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
