not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
