70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize