I'm going to jail i love you
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
