Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
