HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
