I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
