omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
