I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
