my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Congratulations! We have a period
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
