people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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