you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize