i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
