I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
