real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he fucked my hip out of place.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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