i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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