So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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