mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just found puke in my bra..
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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