i permit you to call me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
