In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
