I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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