Who did Billy Mays play for?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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