shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
