Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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