come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
