My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
