Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
