On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
