I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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