we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
