it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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