All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
