yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
