I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
