we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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