and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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