i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
