i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
