I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
