I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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