he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
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Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize