Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
