I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
