I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
