he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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